9/27 Weigh Day - Great results

306 (-6.2/my total weight loss -17.24)
I have come to the realization that it is impossible for me to blog daily. There has been so much going on in my personal life, that I have been far too busy. I am ok with that. Thru all this craziness I call my life, I have stayed focused on my journey (food wise). Yeah! Damn proud of that.
I am worth it!
Jill

Day 27 thru Day 36 - Fun in the sun!

Just got back from a great vacation in Negril, Jamaica. I went to an all inclusive resort, Breezes Grand Negril. Airfare, hotel, transfers, food, drinks, and some water sports were all included. There was beautiful weather every single day. I could get used to taking turns between lounging on a lounge chair and floating on a raft. Life is good!

I am very proud of my choices while I was there. I did great food wise. Opting for fruit and protein for breakfast. Lunch was light. I choose small portions for dinner; selecting proteins, veggies and small amounts of carbs. I had dessert only 2x's. At the most, the dessert amounted to 80-100 calories. I took very small pieces of items off the dessert table. You know the mini milkway bars, my pieces were smaller than those. I drank a little more than I should have the 1st full day there, but I was swimming and walking on the beach, so I think I equalled it out. The rest of the time, I had 1 or 2 drinks per day. I feel I got enough exercise with all the walking and swimming I did during the week. This can be done. It is not about the food!

Back to work today...boo hoooo! Just finished reading my mail and newspapers. Looking forward to tomorrow and continuing to make good choices.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 26 - Lost my license!

312.2 (-2 / total -11.04)
Pleased with today's weigh-in, not thrilled...there is a difference. But, I look at my overall results and they are good. I know when I get back from vacation I need to focus on exercise. I seem to have control over my eating and calorie intake, but I have not been honestly giving exercising 100%. I plan on exercising while on vacation. Walking on the beach, going to the gym, dancing, etc. I also plan on having an awesome time!!!

Like I blogged yesterday, I am going to an all inclusive resort for a week. I leave tomorrow am. Unlimited food and drink. In the past, I would definitely get my moneys worth in both food and drink. In order for me to effectively change my patterns of the past, I need to stay on track during this vacation. Now that I am on this journey, I have officially lost my license to eat. I am ok with that. It is not about the food. I am going with some fantastic people, my focus is going to be on enjoying my time with them and having a wonderful vacation.

Not sure that I will be blogging while I am away, but I will journal if I don't blog.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and burying my toes in the sand! Oh, heaven!!!!! : )

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 25 - Buttoning my lab coat

While I was waiting for the elevator to go down to my floor, I adjusted my lab coat. I haven't ever buttoned it, not because I didn't want to, but because it was too tight, the sides wouldn't reach. Not sure why I tried to button it today, but I did.....and I was able to do it. Yes, it was a little snug, but I did it. Wow, I couldn't believe it. Making progress.
I will be leaving for vacation on Saturday, going to an all inclusive in Jamaica for a week. Which means all the food and drinks are included. This is going to be a test, I have been trying to mentally prepare for it starting today. For breakfast, I am going to focus on proteins and fruit. Lunch, hopefully there will be salad. Dinner, I will look for protein, vegetables and a small starch. As far as drinks, I am worried. Not that I am a big drinker, but those island drinks are so refreshing. Maybe I will drink water in between alcoholic drinks. I plan on exploring the beach daily, not only to look for shells, but for exercise. I may even venture into the hotels gym. I am really looking forward to the trip.
How did you handle your trip? Were you able to stay on track? Any advice is appreciated.
I am looking forward to walking out of work tomorrow knowing that I won't be returning for over a week. I am going to weigh-in because I won't be able to do it Monday. It should be good.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 24 - Too tired!

I have been working on writing a cover letter for a job I am applying for at the hospital. The darn thing took me most of my evening once I got home. I went out to dinner with my Mom, didn't have the best time (that is another story), but gosh darn it, I stayed on track. So proud.
I am too tired to write a long post. Looking forward to tomorrow and continuing to make good choices.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 23 - Better days ahead!

Still reeling from what happened. I have been going thru many emotions today, mostly anger. But, I did remain steadfast to my journey. Feeling good about that. I finished my calories off with a delicious 100 calorie chocolate ice cream bar. Yummy!
I really appreciate the supportive comments from my blog family. I am not alone on this journey. I do love reading other people's post to see where they are, what they are dealing with or what they are thinking about. Today, I stumbled on Sarah's blog http://theweightitis.blogspot.com/, she has maintained her weightloss for over 5+ years. Good for her. Reassurance that this can be done! I looked at her before pictures and I saw myself in them. I just can't wait to see myself in her after pictures. It will happen.
Well, I know better days are ahead. I look forward to a less emotional day tomorrow.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 22 - Staying in control!

Something happened last night that put me in a bad emotional state today. My mood fluctuated between sadness, anger and happiness. (Please be aware that no one, including myself or anyone that I love, was injured or harmed in anyway. This is just not the forum to talk about what happened.) The reason I am bringing this up is because I would have normally turned to my old friend food to comfort me while experiencing such an emotional day. But today, I remained in control. Rather than using my mouth to eat, I used it to speak. I didn't hold in what I was feeling, I talked about it. Getting things off my chest freed me emotionally. It felt good to stay in control. I still have to continue to deal with the fall out from what happened yesterday, BUT, I am so focused on my journey, that I am not worried about going off my plan. Feels good.
Sad to be going back to work tomorrow, my four day weekend flew. For tomorrow, I am looking forward to making good choices and remaining in control.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 21 - Three weeks in!

Wow, I can't believe I have been on this journey for 3 weeks. I am so proud of the food choices that I have made these past 21 days. I am working on the exercise portion, but I will get there.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 20 - Crystal ball!

I think it would super motivating if I could actually see what I would look like in 3, 6, 9, 12 months. What I need is a crystal ball. (maybe I should check Ebay) Of course, there is no such thing. What I have been doing is looking at fellow bloggers pictures showing their success. That definitely motivates me. I see that this journey I have started, not unlike those fellow bloggers, will show results if I stay the course. It is so hard to imagine (at least for me), myself 30, 50, 70, 100 lbs lighter. It has been so long. Thank you fellow bloggers for posting your photos. I appreciate them and their motivation for me.
Today was another good day of choices. I enjoyed spending time with my sister and my God daughter, she means the world to me. I look forward to tomorrow and enjoying my day.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 19 - Good choices!

I had a great day today. It was a day filled with good choices. I started the morning with my usual protein/fruit smoothie. I really do love having a smoothie every morning. It is delicious and keeps me satisfied until lunch. I had the day off from work, so I met my Mom and we headed out shopping. She wanted to go to a new Indian restuarant for lunch, I do like Indian food, so I obliged. My visit to this Indian restaurant was so much different then any I had before. In the past, I would always overeat. I would start with an appetizer, perhaps a samosa, a potatoe stuffed pastry deep fried, pretty tasty. For my meal, I would get a chicken or lamb dish with a creamy yogurt based sauce. Of course I would have to order the bread called Naan. Naan is a delicious flatbread, that is served hot and brushed with butter. I would eat 2 to 3 slices of the Naan. No meal would be complete without dessert. I always ordered Kheer, India's version of rice pudding. That's good stuff. This visit today was different than before because today, I was not going to order all of the extras. I surfed the web for calorie counts of my favorite dishes. I was prepared. I allotted myself 500 calories for lunch, and that is just what I stuck to. My Mom opted for the buffet, and wouldn't you know it, Naan was delivered to the table as part of the buffet price! Oh how that Naan called my name...I ignored it's begging and pleading with me to indulge in it's warm, buttery, chewy goodness. I stuck to my plan and was able to enjoy my choice, chicken korma with bismati rice. I drank 3 large glasses of ice cold water. The leftovers are nicely packed in my fridge. After lunch, we walked in a number of stores to work off our meal.
My evening was great, I went out with some friends to see Donna Summer in concert. Her show was at Foxwoods Casino in the MGM Grand Theatre. Our plan was to get dinner at the casino before the show. We opted for a modern mexican restaurant. My choice was easy, I opted for the salad and chose steak as my added protein. It was delicious, I really enjoyed it. Mixed greens, seasoned steak, avocado slices, tomatoes, jicama, and a small amount of cotija cheese.....yummy! It nicely fit into my calorie budget. I drank 2 big glasses of ice water to wash down my meal.
Donna Summer was fantastic, I was singing and dancing as if it were my "last dance". She may be in her 60's, but she still is a disco queen!
I was proud of my choices today, I am doing this! Looking forward to enjoying this long weekend.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 18 - Avoiding the gym!

I have mentioned this before, I am one of my gym's best customers. I pay my montly membership fee on time and never go there to workout! I can't figure out why? Is it laziness, am I scared of failing there???? I don't know. I have read many people's posts about their intense cardio workouts and how much better it makes them feel. I know from my past experience of successful weightloss that going to the gym really helped me lose weight. I have been walking everyday from the shuttle parking lot to work and then back to the lot after work. Honestly, I noticed today that I wasn't out of breath like I had been when I first started walking. That I am definitely proud of, but beyond that....nothing. I come home, sit on my rump and surf the web. Ugh! This is not good.
I mentioned last night that I haven't been drinking enough water, well today, I really did good in that department. I brought my 32 oz. water bottle into work, filled it with ice cold water and drank it. Then I met some friends out for dinner and drinks. I drank water, three 16oz. glasses! Oh, and I ordered an Asian Salad, which had Sushi grade tuna, served over baby field greens tossed with cucumbers, roasted corn, peppers and tomatoes. I asked for the spicy peanut sesame vinaigrette on the side and used approximately 1 tsp of that. It was delish!
Any thoughts from my blogger friends about my gym issue would be appreciated. I need to stop avoiding the gym!
I am looking forward to being off of work tomorrow, for the start of my 4 day weekend. Another good calorie budget day!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 17 - Water is important!

While driving home from work tonight, I realized I was really thirsty. I had only drank about 17oz. of water all day. That's not good. I have always loved water, I rarely drink soda or juice. As a nurse, I know water 1) helps move food through our digestive track and rid the body of waste 2) it helps regulate our body temperature 3) it lubricates our joints 4) most importantly, it helps regulate metabolism! When we drink ice cold water, our metabolism fires up to heat up the water that just entered our bodies. Love it when my metabolism is working! I have read several articles that say we should drink 1/2 of our body weight in ounces per day. For example, a 200lb person should drink 100 ounces of water per day. Doing the math, there is no way I could drink over 150 ounces of water per day. How about I try to drink at least eight 8 ounce glasses per day. That is a reasonable goal. I can bring my sports bottle to work and have it right at my desk. No excuses.
I really have been getting into this blogging world. Reading other people's weightloss journeys is so inspirational and motivating. There are people out in this world who have a similar story to my own, just with a different name and weight. Sometimes I read their words and I could swear that they were mine. I would have never imagined, before the age of computers, that anything like a blogging world would ever exist. Pretty amazing stuff! Gotta love technology.
Well, I am getting tired. Looking forward to another good day on my journey and drinking lots of water.

I am worth!
Jill

 

Day 16 - Grocery shopping!

All of us have gone grocery shopping so many times, we could do it in our sleep. Many of us probably know exactly what aisle we could find a particular product. Being on this journey, I have had to approach grocery shopping differently. I have to really pay attention to what I am buying. I have read several articles that advise someone who is watching their weight, to walk the perimeter of the store. This is where you will find the freshest and less processed foods. You will see the produce section, with an array of fruits and veggies. The seafood and meat departments are found there. Lastly, the dairy section, it is always outside of the aisles. The aisles are what I refer to as, "temptation zones". Think about all the stuff that is found in the aisles. Most of it used to fill my cart.
Now, before going to the grocery store, I need to create a list. I used to just walk in, grab a cart and fill it with whatever I wanted, good or bad. The list is to help keep me focused and decrease the risk of a bad choice creeping in. I used to get sucked in all the time to the "bogo" offers, mostly of things I didn't need. But, hey it was a great price. If there was a package of cookies on sale, they ended up in my cart. Creating the list goes back to planning. That has really helped me stay on track.
I am sure you have heard it before, "never go grocery shopping when you are hungry". Just walking into a grocery store can make you hungry. Many times, you walk in and are hit with the smell of rotisserie chicken cooking. It smells delicious. Tonight, I went to the store after work, and yes, I was a little hungry. But, I am focused and determined. Hunger was not going to effect me, I wasn't going to let it. I had my list and I stuck to it. I actually tested myself, I purposely walked thru temptation alley and kept walking.
I must admit, my fridge/freezer has never been more organized. I know exactly where to find something and already have a plan as to what I am going to make with a particular food or product. There is no doubt that this is more time consuming. Before, it was either the grab and go for me or when my fridge was empty, I would go to the nearest drive thru. We all know the consequences of those actions.
My resolve right now is pretty strong. I am on a natural high from yesterdays weigh in, feeling really good about the last 2 weeks. I look forward to tomorrow and having another good day.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 15 - Positive results!

314.2 (-9.04)
My first weigh in day was today....down 9.04 lbs! I am so pleased with the results. I did really good these past 2 weeks. I really focused on staying within my allowed daily calories and not feeding my emotions. I did move more, but I need to move even more. In the past, when I went to WW with some friends, we would go out for dinner after we got weighed and pig out. I think about that and realize what a mistake that was to do. Well, I am not doing that this time. I am changing unhealthy eating behaviors. I don't want to pig out. That was the old me, I want to be in control of when, where and why I eat. To tell you the truth, right now, I have no desire to pig out. I am determined and feel really good about my journey this time. I know that blogging has helped keep me accountable and focused.
What have I learned in the first 2 weeks?
1) Planning is absolutely a key component to my successful weightloss today. Packing my lunch and snacks for work definitely reduced my temptations in the hospital cafeteria. I didn't have to worry about choosing from the various offerings, good and bad, in the cafe.
2) Blogging has been a great tool for accountability. Plus, reading other's blogs, has been such an inspiration and motivator. It is so nice to read about people who are, or who have been, where I am. I am not alone!
3) I feel this plan has really not been hard to follow. Some days I ate all of my 1500 calories allotted and there were other days I didn't. But, I wasn't hungry or feeling deprived.
4) My psyche has played a huge role in why I am overweight, it really isn't about the food.
5)  I can do this! I am doing it.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 14 - Two weeks and I am doing this!

Wow, I can't believe it has already been 2 weeks on this journey. I feel really good about staying within my 1500 calorie plan each day. There was only 1 day when I really was hungry. I have been moving more, but I do need to push that up a notch to be more successful. My goal is to get to the gym 2 days before Friday. I will be weighing in tomorrow morning on the scale in the Occupational Office at work. I am excited.

I worked today and am feeling pretty tired. (especially since I went to bed late last night) I need to relax and may catch some of the Emmy Awards. Tomorrow should be another good day!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 13 - Birthday celebration!

Today was a great day. The weather was perfect, it was sunny and about 78 degrees with no humidity. I went to my brother's house to celebrate his birthday. I brought my homemade roasted red pepper hummus, with both blue corn and corn tortilla chips. Because I know chips can be addictive for me, I also brought baby carrots and sugar snap peas to dip into the hummus. My goal was to focus on the people who were there and have meaningful conversations with them. I did not want to make the food my priority. I really did great today. I accompolished my goal and was able to successfully stay within my calorie plan. I was able to enjoy small portions of the appetizers, no seconds. I choose a chicken sausage instead of the usual hamburger or hotdog. I really enjoyed that sausage. I even had a bite of cake...truely, just a bite. I did have to walk away from the dessert table. I really wanted a piece of cake with ice cream or one of the chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches. As I walked away, I had to say to myself, what do you want more? The dessert or to feel better about yourself? I knew what my answer was. I can and will do this. I survived.
My brother had pictures of a recent trip my entire family took to Cape Cod. Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and couldn't believe it was you? I saw a picture of myself and can't believe that is what I look like. I hated the picture. Normally, I hide behind someone in a picture, usually having one of my nieces or nephews stand in front of me. But in this picture, I was lined up with my siblings...I couldn't hide. I know I am significantly overweight, but I just don't feel that big. The picures that I was in were hard to see. I don't want to be that person anymore. I can't be.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 12 - Early bird special indeed!

I decided around midday today that I wanted to go out to eat for dinner. I had a bit of a stressful week, I felt I deserved a treat. Not a treat, as in junk food, but to not have to cook. I called and invited my Mom, she obliged. I thought to myself, I can do this. I had a plan of how I would handle things in the restaurant. First, I would push the bread basket away from me. I would start with a salad, with my dressing on the side. My meal choice would be some type of protein, no pasta dish for me.
We got to the restaurant, early enough for the "early bird special" menu. I looked around and realized I was the youngest person in there....lots of white haired beauties and silver haired foxes filled the booths. While looking at the special menu, the waitress asked for our drink order. I requested a glass of water with lemon. My plan was to drink a full glass before taking a bite. There were some good choices on the menu, I zoned in on the broiled scrod. The waitress promptly returned with my water and a basket of bread and butter. She then took our order. For me, broiled scrod, with baked potato, and salad with a side of blue cheese dressing. Mom ordered the same.
The bread was fresh, it looked really good. My Mom quickly grabbed a piece and promptly buttered it. Luckily for me, the waitress put the basket down closer to my Mom. As Mom bit into her bread, I sucked down my water. Our salads were quickly served. It was a nice, full, garden salad. I dipped my fork tines into the dressing and enjoyed my salad. I used about 2 teaspoons of the dressing for the salad. I grabbed a piece of bread when I was done with the salad, pulled about a 1/2 dollar sized piece from the center of the bread and dipped a corner lightly into the dressing. The rest of the bread slice I picked up, went back into the basket. The scrod and baked potato came soon after we finished our salads. Unfortunately, it was dry, I was so disappointed. I ate about 4oz of the fish and 3/4 of the baked potato, I had added the tablespoon of sour cream.
In the past, when I was dissatisfied with my meal, I would go to a drive thru after I left the restaurant and get something to make up for that unsatisfying meal. A milkshake and a burger, or maybe some fries and a chicken sandwich...I deserved it, I needed to feel satisfied, granted, I wasn't even hungry. But, tonight was different. I left the restaurant and I drove home. I am doing this, I am taking control. Wow, that feels good.
Another good day on my 1500 calorie plan.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 11 - Exercise!

I am one of the best customers that my gym has. I have automatic payment for my montly dues set up through my bank account. The machines are always available for someone else to use. No one ever has to clean up after me. Well, you probably have already guessed it.....I am never there! I joined the gym back in 2006 when I bought my townhouse, and I am embarrassed to admit, I have never, and I mean never, gone there to work out. Why? What am I afraid of? Back in 2003, I joined a gym with my friend, I went faithfully 3x per week for at least 4 months. In that time, I lost 67lbs from working out and eating healthier. Yes, it was hard at first. I struggled on the eliptical machine, could barely lift any weight....but with consistency, my abilities increased. After a month, I was using the eliptical for 45 minutes, I was lifting a good amount of weights, I was actually getting into working out. People complimented me all of the time. I really was feeling good about myself. Slowly, but surely, I pulled back on the number of days I worked out, and then my diet began to falter. I can't pin point any particular event as to why I began to slip...but once I did, my momentum and motivation were lost.
Getting back to the gym is going to take committment and time. I do have the time, but am I ready to commit? I am truely committed to healtier food choices and a 1500 calorie daily food budget. That committment is rock solid. One of my goals that I put down on Day 1 was to move more, I honestly have been doing that. I having been walking daily back to my car after work, which is about a 10-12 minute walk, my house has never been cleaner. I feel good about that, but I need to do more. From my previous successful weightloss experience, I definitely know that strength training, building muscles, helped burn more calories. Which in turn, helped me lose weight. My goal for one week from now, will be to have gone to the gym at least 2x. I think I can do that. No, I know I can do that!
Feeling great about staying within my 1500 calorie budget today. I look forward to tomorrow and moving more!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 10 - Bitter sweet and success!

If you read my post from yesterday, you would have known I was going to my Aunt's funeral today. It was sad, as expected. Her daughter, who had cared for her, really was struggling today. Unfortunately, she is has been going through her own health problems. I pray that she will be ok.
After the funeral, there was a gathering at a local restaurant for brunch. Although there was plenty of food to choose from, I stuck to my plan to make the healthiest choices I could. I avoided the pre-brunch table FILLED with delicious looking pound cakes, donuts, and muffins. I was disappointed that there was no fruit choices, but, I was still able to successfully wade through the food choices and stick with my plan. I filled 1/2 of my plate with garden salad, pre-dressed with oil and vinegar, about 4-5 oz. of chicken (I think it was supposed to be chicken piccata, but I was thrilled to see it was not drenched in a buttery lemon sauce), 1 mini meatball and a pinch over a tablespoon of pasta with sauce. I ate slow, putting my fork down between bites, and conversed with those around me. I was full and I felt good about staying on my plan. Success!
I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with some of my cousins I never get to see, several of which live out of state. We have so many great memories of when we were kids, meeting up at my Grandmother's house. My Mom took us to her Mother's house practically every weekend. Inevitably, we would see one of her siblings and their children. I will always remember spending time there and the fun I had with my cousins. My Mom was the youngest of 9, my Grandmother had so many grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren, I lost count. Seeing many of them today was bitter sweet.
Wow, look at the time. I need to get to bed, back to work tomorrow. I am proud of my choices today and hope you are too!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 9 - Mindless eating!

Have you ever eaten something so fast, you don't even remember if it tasted good? If you are overweight like me, you probably are saying yes. Today was a very stressful day at work, I literally was dealing with a life or death situation for a patient. The work I had to do for this patient consumed most of my day. I had a 1pm meeting that I needed to go to, but because of some phone calls I needed to make, I was running late. I did plan on having a salad from the cafeteria, but time would not allow me to get there, get the salad and bring it to the meeting. Instead, as I was walking by one of the mini cafes, I grabbed a pre-made tuna sandwich on whole wheat, which just so happened to come with a bag of chips. I took a bag of baked lays. I work in a very big inner city hospital, there are several small cafes sprinkled throughout the buildings that comprise the healthcare center. By the time I sat down at the meeting, I was pretty hungry. Before I knew it, the sandwich was gone. I gobbled it up so fast, I couldn't tell you if it tasted good. Yes, I was hungry, but I really don't like doing that mindless eating. That type of eating was one of the contributing factors to why I am overweight today. The big difference is now, I have taken notice of it and feel somewhat ashamed. I sit here and wonder if any of my colleagues had watched me eat that sandwich and chips. I don't think I came up for a breath between bites. In my mind, I keep seeing a replay of what that must have looked like and I don't like what I see. I need to work on that. I just said on Saturday nights post that I should eat more like me niece. Slow, small bites, resting in between. I am not going to beat myself up over this. I recognize it is a problam, I need to make a conscious effort to work on it.
I did good with my calorie bank again today, this really is an easy plan. I have been pleasantly surprised that 1500 calories can be a lot of food, depending upon my choices. I eat 3 main meals with my snacks in between and drink water. I actually love water, always have, no flavor added. I have never been a big soda drinker, if I do drink it, I always choose a clear soda. The others are way too sweet for me. Oh, and another thing about me, I hate popcorn. I know, it has been said to me a million times, "how could anyone hate popcorn". Well, I do!...and bananas too!
Although, tomorrow will be a sad day in the morning due to my Aunt's funeral, I am looking forward to seeing some of my relatives I haven't seen in a while. Sadly, the only time we get together is at weddings and funerals. Should be bitter sweet.
Thanks for any of the comments that you have left me. If you are in the same boat as me, we need to believe that we can do this, we have to, the time is now!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 8 - Waking up tired and hungry!

When I woke up today, not only was I really tired, I was starving. I have been tired and hungry ever since. I know I went to bed last night later than I would have liked to. Sunday nights are so busy for me. Could it be because I leave my laundry to do until Sunday evening? Duh!!! This is when I should be winding down, relaxing after a fun filled weekend. I need to work on that. Maybe a mid-week laundry night would be wiser, or pehaps Saturday morning. Either one would be better.
I can't figure out why I have been so hungry today. I have been eating small, frequent meals. My calorie bank is used to the max daily. Is this my metabolism working? It has only been a week. Perhaps the furnace inside of me has begun to work properly. I am not sure. I hope I am not this hungry tomorrow. As hungry as I was today, I am proud to say, I stayed on track. I pushed away the thoughts to go to the cafeteria and grab a cupcake, brownie or any kind of goodie to snack on. I feel really good about that....I am doing this!
I have decided to weigh myself every 2 weeks. I have never been one to weigh myself daily while I was on a diet. I don't own a scale and don't intend on buying one. I will weigh next Monday, back on the scale in the Occupational Health office. It is a state of the art digital scale.
Winding my evening down now, I plan on going to bed early so I don't wake up tired. As far as the hunger, I think I will drink some water, because I will NOT be eating above my 1500 calorie limit.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 7 - Eating out!

I spent some quality time with my Mom, sister and niece today. My Mom's sister just passed away yesterday, so my sister and I didn't want our Mom to be alone. Mom was ok, she had her moments of sadness and tears, but she finds solace in the fact that my Aunt no longer suffers. May she rest in peace.
The four of us spend many Saturdays or Sundays together. We go shopping, out to lunch and do more shopping. Today was unlike many of those days. But the difference for me was when we went out to lunch, I paid very close attention to the menu of choices that were in front of me. Before I started this journey, I would have chosen whatever looked the most delicious on the menu. Now, I am trying to make healthier choices. I zoned in on a chicken dish with plenty of vegetables. Instead of white rice, I asked for brown. I ate an appropriate sized portion and then pushed the plate away from me. I wasn't full, but I was quite satisfied. 
In the past, when we would go out for lunch, I would gorge myself, finishing every last bite. Why? Why did I do that? No one ever threatened to take my food from me. I never really enjoyed what I ate, because I shoved it down.
My niece is 8, she will be 9 in December. I watched her as she ate today. She took small bites, put down her fork between them and chewed her food. Yeah, I know, she has a smaller mouth, hence the smaller bites, but she was eating like the rest of should be. Slowly, taking small bites, putting our fork down between them and chewing our food. Not swallowing it practically whole. She actually announced to the rest of us, I am full, and stopped eating.
I know Sean Anderson has mentioned this in his blog, that he has learned to focus more on the people he is with, then on the food. Many, if not most times I go out to eat, I do not talk much. I am focused on consuming all the food on my plate. What a shame, I missed out on contributing to many conversations that were going on around me. I got lost in my food. Sad, isn't it.
When eating out from now on, I will make the effort to eat like my niece and take the time to converse with those around me.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 6 - Liking what I see in the mirror!

There was a time I didn't mind looking at myself in the mirror. But that time was long ago. I put on an outfit this morning and when I looked in the mirror, boy, I didn't like what I was seeing. I was pretty sad, how could I have let myself get to this point. The old me, before I started this journey, would have definitely begun to self destruct at that very moment. No doubt in my mind, the sadness would have grown, I would have proceeded to my kitchen and ate something, anything I could grab quickly. I can proudly say, not today. I said out loud, Jill, you are just starting on this journey, give it time, you will get there. I immediately changed into something else and didn't look in the mirror again.
Sure, it is going to be a while before I really do like what I see again in the mirror, but you know what, I am invested and need to be patient. This transformation is not going to happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day! I am sure I will see, and others may not, successes along the way.
A highshool friend I haven't see in a while, recently posted a new picture of herself on Facebook, she looks fantastic. She reached her weightloss goals. I sent her a message telling her how great she looked and asked her what was her motivation. Was it someone or something? She wrote, "My motivation was my results. I was/am excited about what I saw in the mirror, being able to buy stylish clothes, increased confidence... I also liked the way I was feeling physically. I feel strong and energized and I never remember feeling that way. I fell off many, many wagons before this past year. Something finally clicked for me. I know now that the words I was telling myself about myself, were self-fulfilling. Don't make my mistake. Instead, when you start to feel negative, find something positive to tell yourself instead. Eventually, you'll believe it." Her response really resonated with me. She was right, my minds negative thoughts about myself were self-fulfilling. I said things to myself like, "I'll never be thin; I am going to be fat for life; I am such a failure". Those negative thoughts helped me gain tons of weight. As I move forward, I will do my best to say positive things to myself and look forward to liking what I see in the mirror.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 5 - I need to plan!

I admitted to myself tonight that I need to do better job at planning my 1500 calorie menu per day. I am NOT a morning person, I have a hard time getting up and tend to sleep as late as possible, leaving only time to do my beauty routine. Because of this, I have planned to have a fruited protein smoothie on my drive into work. It is fast, easy and tastes good. Plus, I have committed to eating breakfast daily. I need to get my metabolism going.
For lunches and snacks, I have been going to the hospitals cafeteria, spending a ton of cash. I have an idea of what I am going to get before I head into the cafeteria, but this leaves me open for temptations. There are plenty of good (bad) things to eat in that cafeteria. Trust me, I have enojoyed them on a number of occasions. I really need to bring my lunch and snacks into work, this will lesson my risk of straying from my plan and save me some money.
I have been making my dinners, but after this week of bland and boring food, I need to spice up my menu so I am not tempted to stray. I don't want to eat the same thing and get bored. I have been looking online for some healthy and/or low carb recipes, whose calories are included. I have found a ton of them. I look for ones that are simple to make and have ingredients I would like to eat. I am excited about the possibilities.
I did good today despite my lack of planning, my calorie bank is empty. I am happy to report, that I got off the work shuttle 2 stops early and walked the rest of the way to the hospital. Also, at the end of my day, I walked all the way back to the parking lot, no shuttle ride for me. I really enjoyed that walk, I asked a co-worker to go with me and she happily obliged.
Good night, looking forward to planning tomorrow.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 4 - Moving more!

I was a tomboy as a kid, always running and playing outside. My older sister Nancy loves to remind me that my Mom used to find worms in my pants pockets when doing laundry. I know, gross! I squirm at the thought of those slimy buggers being in my pockets now....ugh! As children, we didn't think of playing kickball, riding our bikes, climbing hills, as exercise. It was just good, clean fun! Oh, to be a kid again.
Exercise has not been in the forefront of my mind for a long time. But I know, that in order to be successful in this journey, I must incorporate it into my life now. I drive to work and park in one of the hospitals shuttled parking lots. I hop out of my car, get on the shuttle for the 5-7 minute drive to the hospital, depending on the lights. Of course, there is one at the end of the day to take me back to the parking lot. When leaving work this afternoon, I did something a little different. I walked back to my car. I was huffing and puffing, but gosh darn it, I did it. I could have talked myself out of it. The temperature was 93, I didn't have sneakers on, I was tired from a busy day at work....blah, blah, blah! But not today, I said to myself as I was going down the elevator, you are walking today. With my head held high, I walked straight out that front door. The walk took me about 10 minutes. I was trying to keep pace with some other nurses who were ahead of me, but they got way ahead. As I sit here tonight typing this, I think about 10 minutes, that it such a short period of time. In 10 minutes today, look what I accompolished. Some of the "experts" say we need to exercise 3-5 times a week for 30 minutes. If I walked to the hospital this morning, I would have gotten in a total of 20 minutes of exercise today.
I had to return something to Home Depot tonight and on the way there, I saw a sign that read, "Zumba". I have heard this was a fun form of exercise. Fun, like when I was a kid, I needed to check this out. On the way back, I stopped in and spoke to the owner. She was very nice and provided me with a class schedule, costs and told me the next session starts Sept. 7th. I asked her if I could stop by and peek in on a session, she said that was fine. So, I have decided that when I take my peek, if I like what I see, I am going to sign up. I am excited. I have the option to commit to 1 day a week, all the way up to 5 days. This may or may not be for me, but I feel good about making an effort to check it out.
I had another good day of eating and using all the calories in my bank. I thoroughly enjoyed a vanilla cone from McDonalds tonight, this was the end of my available calories. Not a bad way to end the day. It reminded me of when my parents would take us to a local ice cream parlor called Carvel and I would drool for a soft serve vanilla cone. I would have to lick it quickly, because it would start to drip on my hands, melting from the hot sun. Good times!
Good night. I look forward to tomorrow and moving more!

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 3 - Life, it needs to be lived!

Someone I love needs prayers for peace and comfort. My Mom's sister was transferred to CT Hospice today. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that her life is about to end. She led a good life, had 4 healthy children, who blessed her with several grandchildren. My heart aches for her tonight. Please God, keep her comfortable and bring her peace.
My Aunt's pending passing really made me think hard today about my life. Up to this point, for approximately the last 13 or so years, I haven't been living. My excess weight has been holding me back from the life I really want. I wasn't heavy as a child, in highschool, I weighed between 124-132 pounds. (sadly, back then, I thought I was heavy) As a 5'4.5" tall woman, I looked perfectly fine in highschool. In college, I gained the freshman 15, then the sophomore 15, followed by the junior 10...then I moved back home to go to nursing school. I really put on weight then, nursing school was extremely stressful. I also was in a bad relationship. I turned to food for comfort. My weight ballooned to over 200lbs. I have been gaining since. Those 13 or so years have flown by so quickly. I am on this journey to take the reins, I want my old life back. The life I used to know, free of layers, I was living back then.
Of course I am feeling sad, which is one of my emotional triggers to eat, but I did good. Today was fine calorie wise. Honestly, I really didn't even think about going above my caloric bank. I believe it is because I allowed myself to cry. I felt the emotion, rather than fed it. I told myself that it is ok to cry, there is no need to be stoic. This is good, real good.
Life is uncertain, we truely don't know what tomorrow will bring. It is because of this, that we need to live. I need to do what it takes to get back to that version of my former self. That woman who was healthy, happy and living. I am on my way.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 2 - Eating because I am hungry, what a novel idea!

What do thin, healthy people think about when they are bored? I really don't know, but I can tell you, I think about food. I think about food when I am happy, sad, mad, lonely, bored, scared, anxious or stressed. Oh don't get me wrong, I also think about it when I get rare hunger pains, but I usally don't allow myself to get hungry. I am on this journey to change that. I need to learn to identify cravings that are not a result of physical hunger, but are because of all those emotions I have previously listed. If you are overweight, I think you can relate. I need to retrain the brain.
I bring up this topic today because I caught myself this morning emotionally fantasizing about a bagel. A sesame seed bagel toasted and spread with peanut butter. I swear I could smell one that had just come out of the toaster oven. Now, this wouldn't be a bad thing to eat, but forty minutes earlier, I had a great, planned out breakfast. There was not a hunger pang in sight.
Now, to get back to my emotional food fantasy and why it occurred. I was at work and I became bored. (don't tell my boss) I finished my routine morning work and for some reason, I just didn't feel like doing any more work at that time. I searched the web for a little while, checked my personal email, and talked to some co-workers. But, after awhile, the boredom set in. That is when the bagel popped into my head. Normally, I would have gotten up, headed to the cafeteria and feed that emotion. That is what I have done for so long. Behavior like that has gotten me to where I am today with my weight. But, starting today, I wasn't going to let that happen.
One of the goals I have committed to is not feeding emotions. I was amazed at how quickly my mind began that fantasy. But, I said to myself, as quickly as it came into my mind, I needed to get it out. I focused on the reality of the fantasy, it was because I was bored and wanted some fullfillment quickly. This time I wasn't going there. I got back to work and that bagel soon left my head. I am proud of that accompolishment today.
I am sure this won't be the last time I am faced with an emotional food fantasy thru this journey, BUT, now I am committed to do my best to identify my emotional triggers and not feed them. Retraining my brain and and removing that layer, is going to be hard work. I can do it, I need to.

I am worth it!
Jill

Day 1 - Now is the time!

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I am tired. Tired of carrying around this extra weight, it is heavy and I get short of breath when walking. Tired of being alone. I don't need a man in my life, I want one. But I need to feel more comfortable in my own skin before I will pursue a relationship. Tired of being afraid to go to a restaurant because I might not fit in the booth. Tired of worrying about getting my seatbelt to buckle on an airplane. I have visions of asking for the extender and the stewardess saying across the PA system, there is a fatty in seat 7A, can someone get her an extender. Tired of avoiding highschool friends because I am embarrassed about the way I look. Tired of catalog shopping because I can't drive to the mall 5 minutes from my home, the clothes at the stores there don't fit me. Tired of always being that fun-loving person. Tired of saying to myself, this is it, I am going to do it this time. I am tired of being tired!
I am setting out on this journey for my mental and physical health. If you or anyone you love or care about is inspired, or you feel would be inspired, please share my blog. The single most important thing I have realized in the last few weeks, is that I am not alone. I have friends, colleagues and there are other bloggers who are, or have been in the same boat I am in. For me, that boat is sinking. I have put on my life vest, jumped overboard and am swimming to a new way of life. This journey will have it's challenges, but I am going forward with positive thoughts, great goals and the desire to peel the layers of sadness, loneliness, emotional eating back to bring out the great person that I know I can be. There is not doubt that it can be done, just read Sean Anderson's blog, "The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser". He is an inspiration to me and thousands of others who battle the bulge. He is winning! Sean, thank you for writing your blog, you have inspired me.  Also, congratulations on your success thus far. I have no doubt that you will be shortly reaching that mountain top and anchoring your flag. Look how far your good choices have gotten you.

My goals are:
1) get healthy
2) to get 8 hours of sleep per night
3) eat breakfast daily
4) move more
5) experience the emotion rather than feed it
6) meditate - focusing on what I need to do and finding the means within me to do it

I have chosen to follow Sean Anderson's 1500 calorie bank plan. The start of my journey today went great. Were there temptations and thoughts of going astray from my plan....of course there were. But I was honest with myself, I can't wait until tomorrow. Now is the time!

I am worth it!
Jill